Today Wasn’t So Bad

I finally feel like I’m beginning to break through the funk of the past few weeks. My appetite has increased over the past few days (whether for good or bad, I at least didn’t worry too much about it) and my sex drive. I sung and played my guitar today and it felt good and right. I thought I would try and write a poem in this mood, see how that feels.

Thank you for today
It wasn’t as bad as yesterdayAnd I get the sense that tomorrow
Will continue the trend

There were times
I rather hoped it would endIt didn’t though
And days like today make me glad it didn’t

I know that there will be dreary days again
But maybe fewer and farther betweenThese days of semi-happiness
I wish I could save and spend

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Sad Poem

This has quickly become quite the emo poetry blog, but it does make me feel better to get these thoughts out in a somewhat productive way.

I feel bad
When I feel sad
I want to smile for you

You say such sweet things
It doesn’t seem fair

The compliments go through me
Into nothingness
How long until you grow weary
Enough to say goodbye

More Anxious Poetry

I had another night of fitful dreams. I woke up feelings quite anxious. I think the remedy is another attempt at poetry.

I feel as though I must have two hearts today
For both are thumping, buzzing with the reminders of what has happen
What is to come

Although it is normally two stomachs that gorge on the feelings of discontent
Today they have shrunk to one, less than one
That churns with unease

I wish I could awake feeling whole
As one, just one

Poetry

I considered starting a new blog. I suppose I feel ashamed of the times I feel depressed. I want to be an inspiration. I am proud of how many obstacles I have overcome. I want others to know they can as well. Today has been a “down” day for me; I have had quite a few over the past few weeks. Sometimes the feelings are fleeting, other times the linger throughout the entire day. In the end I concluded that it is dishonest and unfair to only express positive thoughts if that is not how I am really feeling. I can continue to get through these darker days. Only by acknowledging the dark can we appreciate the light.

A poem:

I get so tired of the down
I wake up and know it will be one of those days
Dreams that haunt linger

I can only keep moving
That’s what I try to do
Eventually the burden is too great

I hate the body I’m in
Is there any way out?
I try but somehow cannot keep up with the hunger

I wrote that today. I feel a little better, and it feels good to express myself in a creative way, even if it felt difficult to get the motivation to do so. That is really all I want to post right now. I will try and post more often.

Happy Monday!

It’s been a little while so I figured I should try and pick this up again. I ended up quitting the job at the moving company. When I signed up for the job I thought I would be doing strictly in-bound customer service work, which turned out not to be the case at all. I was able to get some tutoring hours at the local community college and have some private tutees as well, so I should be fine financially for a little while at least. Leaving that job forced me to evaluate my professional future, however, and it came to me so easily..I want to be a librarian. I have considered working as a librarian in the past, but I always quashed the idea because my two former best friends both had aspirations of being a librarian; I guess I felt like I didn’t want to copy them or step on their toes or something. In retrospect those are pretty weird reasons to avoid going after something, but since they are no longer in my life (or even pursuing a career as a librarian for that matter) there is no reason why I shouldn’t try. I think my B.S. in Mathematics will work well as a background for a Master of Library Science degree and a good school in my state offers an online program that would work perfectly for me. I have been applying for every library-related job I can find, rounded up my references and have until July 15th to apply for the fall so we’ll see! I would like to try and get a job in a library before I apply, but if not I will just apply with the credentials I have and hope for the best. I have worked in a library before but it was a while ago. I think I will use this forum to pick an arbitrary deadline for myself..apply May 1st if I haven’t managed to secure a library job by that point in time? Sounds good to me. 🙂

I was originally going to use this post to talk about peer pressure, because I had a pretty rough weekend recently where I allowed myself to be pressured into drinking much more than I normally would. I hadn’t really drank much in the past few months and it was terrible. I used to be the queen of peer pressuring and I think that was probably karma giving me what’s coming to me. I had feelings of regret and shame, along with the headache and fatigue, of giving in to something that was so bad for me. I missed my yoga class the next day and it took me a full two days to recover. I haven’t smoked in 44 days now and although the pressure was on to do that as well I am so glad, and proud, that I didn’t give in. I have disposed of any remnants from my stoner past and am ready to embark on the future.

I think that’s enough for now, I was up until 5am last night deep cleaning the house and am still a little worn out. Hopefully the Spring cleaning will help Spring know to hurry up and get here fast! I’m over the cold. Thanks for reading! ❤ 😀

Bucket List

One of my favorite new shows is “An Idiot Abroad,” about a British man, Karl, who is sent to various famous locations around the world to learn more about the local people and culture. It is wonderful because at the beginning of the series he is very resistant to many things but by the end you can tell that his world view has developed and changed. It is produced by Ricky Gervais, adding a bit of additional humor. Most of the locations they chose were top locations on bucket lists and it has inspired me to create my own. I have never made one before, so here goes, in somewhat random order:

1) Have a baby-I would love to experience being pregnant and give birth. I am not ready to start working on this just yet but it is definitely top of my list!

2) Be a mother-To go along with #1, if for whatever reason I am unable to give birth to my child I would love to adopt.

3) Swim a 10k-I have done a 5k before but never a 10k. I have heard there is an amazing one that goes around the Florida Keys; something like that would be incredible!

4) Visit Yosemite National Park-There is something about this place that holds great appeal to me. The hot springs, wildlife, etc. just sound like wonders worth seeing.

5) Bike 100 miles in a day-I have done a little over 50 miles in a day before, but a century would be better. 🙂

6) Kiss under the Eiffel Tower-I was fortunate enough in high school to be able to go on two school trips to Paris but never with the company of a kissable man. I have one currently (my wonderful boyfriend Grant) but if for some reason that doesn’t pan out I will grab the cutest Frenchman I see and plant one on him! 😉

7) Go to a nude beach-I am normally pretty shy about nudity but the idea of being naked on a beach with a bunch of other naked people is intriguing to me.

8) Swim in the Dead Sea-This is one I saw on “An Idiot Abroad” and I want to experience it for myself!

9) Visit (nearly) every continent-I know that Antarctica may be a little impractical but I would really love to visit at least one place on every continent. I’m two down (North America and Europe). If I can somehow make it to Antarctica, however, that would be incredible. My grandfather was actually a member of the second expedition to Antarctica so it would be pretty awesome to follow in his footsteps.

10) See an active volcano-Lava, fire, earth-shattering excitement!

11) See a tornado-I have been a little obsessed with severe weather my whole life. Seeing a tornado firsthand would be incredible.

12) Swim with dolphins-Dolphins are magical, cute and smart.

13) See elephants in the wild-Elephants amaze me. They seem like they genuinely care about each other and considering many humans seem to have a hard time with that makes it even more awesome to me.

14) Visit Petra, Jordan-An ancient city carved into rock and caves, beautiful and mysterious.

15) Visit Italy-Anywhere in Italy really. Just seems like a place you should visit.

16) Visit Spain-Again, just like Italy, a must-visit.

17) Visit Greece

18) Rent a cottage on a mountain lake-Beautiful clean, crisp water.

19) Go scuba diving-It it sounds exciting and somewhat frightening at the same time.

20) Stay in an ice hotel in Canada-I can double-win by getting to say I’ve visited Canada and stayed in an ice hotel. An entire hotel made of ice! You wrap up in fur coats and pelts…wait that might not work with my veganism…maybe they have faux fur??

For the sake of getting this posted, I will leave it for now and add as more come to mind! I would also love to hear about anyone’s bucket list items! Thank you for reading. ❤ 🙂

Tea for Two, or Just for You!

I would like to use this post to further discuss the magic of making your own loose-leaf tea blends. Tea has many health benefits, and virtually no calories, so it’s a win-win! I make a blend a couple times a day and put them into my heart-shaped tea ball with a slice of lemon (lemon has been found to increase the antioxidant power of the tea-video) It keeps me hydrated and relaxed (for the most part) all day!

I purchase my tea online at amazon.com. I am an Amazon Prime member so I get 2-day free shipping. It is currently only $79 a year and has other benefits as well. Additionally if you are a student (or at least have an active school email address) you get a 6 month free trial and half price on the prime subscription. I use their services a lot so it is worth it to me, but they also offer free standard shipping on many items.

Organic Imperial Green Tea-Green tea (or any tea from the tea plant) is one of the few natural sources of Theanine, an amino acid that helps you produce relaxing alpha brain waves. The little caffeine boost is nice too! I use about half a teaspoon in my blend. My boyfriend likes to cold-brew his tea. We use an extra-large tea ball and fill it about halfway with tea leaves. Just put in a container full of water in the fridge for a few hours. A few lemon slices are nice as well.  See the following videos from my favorite nutritionist, Dr. Gregor, at nutritionfacts.org:

Dietary Brain Wave Alteration

Cold Steeping Green Tea

Organic Chamomile-Chamomile tea has many amazing health benefits. It has been shown to help in the prevention of breast cancer and aids in digestion, relaxation and sleep. One caution would be that it has been shown, due to blood-thinning properties, to be potentially unsafe during pregnancy. I usually use about one and one-half teaspoons twice a day. Some relevant videos:

The Healthiest Herbal Tea

Chamomile and Cancer

Chamomile Tea May Not Be Safe During Pregnancy

Organic Lavender-I have suffered from anxiety for a while and apparently nothing is better to ease your stress then lavender! A study found that lavender was as effective as Valium for the treatment of generalized anxiety disorder, without the side effects. I use about half a teaspoon twice a day and have definitely noticed positive changes.

Organic Peppermint Leaf-Rich in antioxidants, peppermint is a wonderful way to add a refreshing flavor to your tea blend. See the following video for more information about antioxidants in a pinch!

Antioxidants in a Pinch

Organic Hibiscus Flowers-I saved the best for last! Not only does hibiscus have a bright, citrusy flavor that is delicious on its own, it also was found to have the highest antioxidant level of any herbal/tea beverage. I use about half a teaspoon twice a day. It is also possible to cold brew the tea, a potentially healthier way to brew. Relevant video:

Herbal Tea Update: Hibiscus

There are many wonderful teas, leaves and flowers to try. Do some research and find a blend that works for you! Thanks for reading! ❤ 🙂